THE FINE LINE BETWEEN BEING NICE AND BEING TOO NICE.
Do you consider yourself a nice person? Do you open doors for others? Do you say your “please” and “thank you”? Are you the type of person that will go out of your way for people… A LOT? Do you often think about others before yourself? Well, let me tell you something. You ARE a nice person, but you may be being too nice, and that my friends are going to bite you in the ass. Trust me I know, because my ass is covered in bites and it wasn’t until a big bite that came along that really made me think about what it means to be nice.
BEING NICE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN’T SAY NO.
As nice people, we often mistake that by saying no we are hurting or disappointing someone else. We often say yes even if it means sacrificing something you might be doing at the moment. You know that friend that’s like “Hey can I come over to chill?”, or that friend that’s like, “hey can you help me with x” but you are in the middle of something? We often say yes, do the thing, and then come home and stress about the things we didn’t do for ourselves. The plan that we made went out the window. Nice people do this often. I mean often. You don’t know how many times this has happened to me throughout my life. I had this desire to be the best friend, the one that’s always there to help, the friend that anyone and their own mother can ask for a favor and the resounding answer is yes. In the short term, this might be fulfilling. I felt good to be able to help others. I felt I was giving back. It was my way of feeling like I was a “good person” because the idea of being a “bad person” just made me go into a state of depression (cue saddest song you know). However, in the long run, I realized that it wasn’t making me happier. Because I wasn’t focused on the things that did. This is important because we often mistake being nice to others as an end goal to fulfill ourselves. But hold up, I’m not saying start being an asshole. I’m not saying stop opening doors for people because they can open the door themselves right? I’m saying to say yes when you know you can and will be fulfilled in yourself by doing x, instead of just doing x because you’re a nice person. Let that sink in a little bit.
Say yes, when it also fulfills you.
Say no, when you know it won’t.
What I’m saying is do x if it honestly makes you happy, do x if you find fulfillment in building the connection or relationship, do x because it can lead to a better partnership or venture, do x because it fulfills you in some way.
BEING NICE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN’T THINK ABOUT THE ACTION YOU’RE ABOUT TO TAKE.
Let’s be frank and let the cat out of the bag. Have you ever done something for someone, but in the long term it backfired? At the moment, it sounded like a good idea. Both parties are in agreement and they are super thankful that you are helping them. You felt that you were being a good friend by being nice. This scenario specifically relates to long-term thinking. This is not related to short-term actions, like opening the door or saying thank you. Fast forward to a few days, weeks, or months down the line, and you need help. The person is now too busy, too this, too that, and cannot help you. You now feel defeated, helpless, and even angry because how could someone who you’ve helped not return the favor? The solution here is to analyze the outcome of helping or being nice to the person before saying yes. Are you doing it to expect something in return? Or are you doing it because it was the right thing to do and you don’t expect anything? If you believe in karma, then perhaps you lean towards expecting something in return. If you’re nice to others, wouldn’t other people be nice to you? Let me tell you something right now. You are your own person. Your actions do not mean they will always be reciprocated. So you have to think of certain actions in the long run. Will it compromise something in your life? Will it be a burden? What conflicts can come out of deciding to help this person? What do you expect from this person if any? Is it worth it? These are questions that take a little bit of time to answer. Remember, you don’t have to say yes at the moment. It’s okay to say, “can I get back to you?” because you need time to determine if this is the right thing to do. Once you’ve analyzed the situation you can make a better decision. A decision that will not result in anger, disappointment, or frustration because you’ve done your homework and thought it out.
BEING NICE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE SELF-RESPECT.
Respect is something I hold dear. I am open-minded and have a lot of respect for people, their opinions, and their actions. I mean as humans we are driven by purpose, your purpose may not resonate with me but I respect that you have a purpose. Whatever that is. Here’s a scenario: There’s a party that you’re invited to. You found out that at this party there’s going to be someone there that you do not like. He/she makes you uncomfortable or whatever reason that makes you dislike this person. You know you won’t have a good time at this party. Do you say yes? Or do you say no? Being a nice person, you might just say yes. Because the person that asked you, you get along with right? But when you go, there’s this off feeling because now you are face to face with the person that you don’t like. You feel it and probably others around you can feel it too. It’s a bad vibe. Who wants to stay in a place with bad vibes? No one. So here’s the lesson. You need to respect yourself. What does that mean? It means you have to have the ability to say no to something that makes you uncomfortable. At the end of the day, you have yourself and only yourself. Stop sacrificing your time, energy, or money on things that do not serve you. When you’re doing things you will later regret is not respecting your life and needs. Be okay with saying no out of respect for yourself.
Wrapping up, saying no can sometimes be the hardest thing. Saying no to a job, a relationship, a service, a friend, a relative, or a favor can be stressful especially if you have to make the decision at the moment. The tips above are to help guide you to say no in a better way and with clarity. Saying no does not make you a bad person, in fact, it can increase the respect for you because the people around you won’t be taking your kindness or time for granted. Once you realize the fine line between being nice and being too nice, you will be happier with your decisions and in your own life.
